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kc-anathema · 8 years ago

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60 Things You'll Never See in the Vamp Canon.

Background: Just random ideas I came up with at 2 o'clock in the morning. As always, if you like these ideas, feel quite free to use them. I'm kind of afraid to. Not all of the same quality. I was half asleep as I wrote them.

Warnings: Weird stuff and some implied violence, pain and slash.

Disclaimers: I don't own these vampires, Anne Rice does. I don't own the Ninja Turtles, Kevin Eastman, Peter Laird and Image comics do. I don't own Lord of the Dance, Barbie, the Brady Bunch (praise God), Star Wars, Disney, Abbot or Costello, Morbius, Raziel, Dracula, Gunga Din, South Park, Pokemon, Angel and Spike from Buffy, Powerpuff Girls, Superman, or the song "I wish I was in Dixie," which all belong to their respective owners. Whew.

Spoilers: All Chronicles.

Louis: What the...what are we doing here?

Lestat: Oh, this fanfic writer just didn't want this to be seen as a list so it would be against anfiction.net's rules. Of course, why she's bothering with the rules is beyond me.

Louis: Lestat, some people actually care about rules. In any case, here's the list. Shall I start?

Lestat: Go ahead, it's not like no one's seen it before.

Louis: Very well. Here we go.

1. Squirrels invade Rue Royal! Will Louis notice all the rodents climbing over him?

2. Armand and Daniel announce their engagement! But guess who they find staring in the bachelor party porno!

3. Mekare becomes a stuntwoman. Watch the entire coven cringe in fear with every take!

4. Maharet starts up a night-time children's care center! Talk about traumatic experiences!

5. Sybelle spontaneously combusts! The coven celebrates, even Marius!

6. Danny organizes the coven into a Vampire Lord of the Dance!

7. Lestat's making a comeback! In kabuki!

8. Mael's into fingerpuppets! Using broccoli! That he's dressed up!

9. Daniel revealed to have once had a girlfriend! Will the guys forgive this momentary lapse in judgment?

10. Erik vanishes off the face of the earth! No one notices!

11. It's the Brady Bunch Coven!

12. Santino can't stop singing "I'm a little teapot short and stout..."

13. Armand's getting cast as Anakin in the next Star Wars film!

14. Daniel won't stop playing with Barbies! Will Ken get that plastic attachment he's always wanted?

15. Marius opens up a harem--er, a shelter for run-away boys.

16. David brings home a pet Chihuahua.

17. Lestat and Louis get marriage counseling.

18. Gabrielle becomes a cheerleader!

19. Benji accidentally wanders into a midget-tossing contest.

20. Louis opens up a voodoo shop!

21. Armand goes back to school, forced to start at eighth grade.

22. Lestat loses his memory, thinks he's Superman.

23. Pandora, Gabrielle and Jessica all get amnesia, think they're the Powerpuff Girls!

24. Lestat just bought some antique torture devices for his museum! Who's gonna try them out and make sure they're authentic?

25. What the heck--if Gabby's becoming a cheerleader, then the guys form their own football team! The competition is literally run over.

26. Lestat and Louis on cover of the Enquirer! Louis reportedly won't come out of the broom closet.

27. Jessica dresses up as Disney characters to make some quick cash.

28. You know, if you think about it, vampires really would glow under a dark light. (I know, I wrote this before, but I like this idea.)

29. Lestat takes up belly dancing, Armand learns the dance of the seven veils.

30. Lestat won't buy him more books, so Louis takes up stripping.

31. Louis becomes a singer for a techno band.

32. The coven goes diving to see sharks up close, Benji slips out of the shark cage and is devoured.

33. Louis plays "Chopsticks" on the piano just to annoy Sybelle.

34. Lestat and Louis meet the Ninja Turtles!

35. Abbott and Costello meet the Coven!

36. Louis takes fencing lessons, Lestat is afraid for his life.

37. Danny keeps stealing Benji's lunch money. (I don't know where that came from.)

38. Santino gets addicted to Pokemon, insists he's "gotta catch 'em all!"

39. On a dare, Louis dyes his hair blonde and Lestat goes brunette.

40. It's a vampire convention! The coven is there with Dracula, Angel and Spike, Raziel from SoulReaver, Morbius...etc.

41. Louis decides to live his un-life as a woman!

42. Lestat discovers he can time travel! (Geez, like he doesn't get into enough trouble...)

43. Lestat discovers he can teleport! Into Louis' showers! What the hell, into everyone's showers!

44. Armand takes up karaoke!

45. Pandora and Gabrielle to wed! Armand to be the flower girl!

46. Marius has a habit of dressing in a sailor suit and reciting "Gunga Din."

47. Khayman dresses in a tutu. Without benefit of ballet lessons.

48. Lestat: Kills Benji.

Armand: Oh my God! He killed Benji!

Marius: You bastard!

49. Superman meets Lestat.

50. Vampire snow ball fight! Fifty mortals killed, hundreds wounded!

51. Lestat starts talking in pig-Latin.

52. Eric secretly tap-dances naked!

53. Santino caught wearing women's lingerie!

54. Marius caught wearing women's lingerie!

55. Jessica caught wearing--um, a paper bag! In the rain! (Geez, I gotta get some sleep.)

56. Pandora plays "I wish I was in Dixie" on the piano, Sybelle dies of shock.

57. Armand develops a habit of belting out show tunes just when Louis is fully absorbed in a book.

58. Marius stumbles on David as he is choking his chicken. (On the farm he just bought! You all have such dirty minds!)

58b. Why would a vampire buy a farm?

59. Khayman takes up the accordion, begins playing the Polka professionally.

60. They lose the Christmas tree Angel! Benji gets one hell of a suppository.

Louis: That's it?

Lestat: Yup, talk about a lack of originality.

Louis: Isn't that what flamers usually say what's so bad about her stories?

Lestat: Yes, but flamers are always stupid and idiotic.

Louis: You just say that because your lyrics got flamed once.

Lestat: Wah!

#vc

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